The Less I Drink the More it Hurts
As I wrote in my last post, I have been moderating my alcohol consumption in preparation for going completely sober in 2020. Right now I’m only drinking on my days off, I haven’t been perfect, but I’m already reaping the benefits of avoiding the daily drink.
I feel much clearer and more positive about my life, my decisions, and just who I am/who I want to be in general. I also don’t feel quite as anxious, though I do feel tempted to have a drink when I do get anxious. Right now my go-to has been a cup (or three) of tea to dissuade the desire for the hard stuff which has been helping.
The thing that I didn’t expect to discover so quickly during this moderation phase is that the less I drink…the more it hurts when I do drink. The hangover is worse even if I just have one drink and I feel mentally fogged for the next day or two. It’s actually really nice because I just think about how amazing I’ll feel once I’ve put down the booze entirely!
I have so many more fulfilling things to do with my days now that I don’t give my valuable time up to alcohol. I wake up every day, get dressed and wash my face, do 10 minutes of yoga, take my dog for a walk while listening to an episode Recovery Elevator (amazing podcast), and get to work on time or even early! I can read a book or spend some quality time writing thoughtful classes (I am a Bar Method instructor) instead of getting drunk in front of the TV. Time spent watching TV is way more relaxing now and is generally spent with my boyfriend as a way to spend time together and relax after dinner.
I also find that I don’t wake up starving every morning; when I would have a drink with dinner or before bed I would wake up with a pain in my stomach that I assumed was hunger — now I’m thinking it might’ve just been a hangover symptom. I’m able to break my fast a little later, usually I just drink a bunch of tea and water while I’m at work and start my day off with breakfast for lunch! If you had told me I’d become someone who skipped breakfast a few years ago I’d tell you that you had a screw lose but now it’s kind of nice, I feel lighter and healthier just eating when I get hungry instead of sticking to the strict eating schedule I’ve had since recovering from anorexia a few years ago.
Side note: I’m keeping an eye on my dormant anorexic habits and making sure they don’t fly to the forefront of my mind and behavior again since, in the past, they’ve become more and more prominent as I feel stress, depression, or experience significant change.
On Wednesday of this week, I made a big step for myself. I had a long and stressful workday, I got home and, while parking my new car in our garage, I accidentally scraped the front corner panel on the garage wall…needless to say that was not what I was hoping for at the end of an already irritating day. It’s a superficial scrape and can be buffed out but it was the thing that sent me into being fully frustrated. I was so incredibly tempted to drink when I got inside our apartment, I was on the verge of just saying “fuck it” and giving into that craving for alcohol to ease my rising emotions.
I ended up…not drinking! I felt very proud of myself. I admitted to myself and out loud that I felt the need to consume alcohol, let the temptation pass, and used coping mechanisms to help that nagging desire move itself out of my mind. I put on my headphones and listened to some metal to validate my anger, I ate dinner, and I made myself some tea. By the time I was done with dinner I didn’t really want alcohol anymore. Throughout this mental interaction I kept telling myself, “This is how you break your thought patterns towards dependence and addiction.” I knew that if I didn’t resist these little urges when they pop up, it’d make it even harder to resist in socially pressured situations or on days where I feel entirely done with this whole “self improvement” thing.
That same night, I had a dream. It wasn’t deeply profound, but it told me a lot about the mental shift that’s going on. It was a simple dream where I was hanging out with an old group of friends, which I haven’t been in contact with for the last three years or so, and everyone was drinking and hanging out in some sort of resort-like environment. Different people in the group kept offering to make me a drink. Each time I was offered a drink I just said, “Thanks, but I’m good.” Eventually, after being offered a drink 3–4 times one of the ex-friends finally asked me, “Why won’t you let us get you a drink?” to which I replied,
“I don’t drink anymore.”
I felt so confident in my dream, so bold and empowered simply stating that I don’t drink anymore without any need for explanation. It’s my body, my life, my choice. Another one of the friends in the dream, the one I had been closest to, started to tear up when she heard I had given up the booze. When we were still close friends and I was a full-fledged alcoholic, she had tried to support me in not drinking and knew how hard it was for me to abstain. I couldn’t just have one drink, I’d finish a whole bottle without a single thought. I don’t miss our friendship and I do feel I have let go and that my life is better off without her influence, but it meant a lot to see that she was…proud of me? I hugged her as she silently cried and the dream ended.
Then last night, I was tempted again. With one denial of my cravings and one encouraging dream under my belt I felt stronger. A couple of our close friends invited us to go out bowling which is one of our favorite group activities and often includes at least one beer. It’s hard to find a bowling alley that doesn’t have an attached bar where you can purchase a pitcher of Blue Moon and some orange slices to get you to that perfect level of buzz where you can get a strike or two. My boyfriend and the guy in the couple we went with both had beer and while I was tempted I didn’t really feel like I needed to drink.
Also, shout-out to my boyfriend who thought about asking me if I wanted a drink but didn’t because he’s supportive and amazing.
The particular bowling alley that we went to has a karaoke night (P.S. I am a karaoke queen) which my friend runs and so I associate that place with getting smashed and singing my heart out. At one point I had to go into the bar to get my water bottle refilled and my friend was there running sound for an open mic night. Seeing people that I drink with in the place where we always drink was triggering to say the least. I did get out of there pretty quickly after saying hello and I wanted to go back and say goodbye but I was worried I’d succumb to having a shot before driving home (big fat no-no). I passed it off as having forgotten to say goodbye, I was trying to hide this from myself even, but deep inside I knew it was because I was trying to remove any lingering temptation.
PLUS — friggin guess what?! I actually bowled way better than I ever did while drinking! I know this probably isn’t a surprise to you, but to me it was shocking. I normally hit my stride (or strike if you wanna be punny, which I always do) after a couple frames and a couple drinks but if I have any more than that my success declines quickly. This time I hit my stride and kept it going throughout two games!
All-in-all, it’s been a successful week. I feel strong. I feel proud. I feel sober.
